Ronald McDonald Going Into Hiding Because Of Clown Hysteria


One of the world’s most famous clowns is taking a hiatus.

Thanks to all the terrifying reports we’re all familiar with, Ronald McDonald is going to refrain from appearing at events and in advertisements for an unknown amount of time.

The fast food chain announced the news in response to the alarming number of clown-themed threats appearing in the news, like the one about the young girl who contacted a clown via social media and asked him to kill her teacher.

“McDonald’s and franchises in the local markets are mindful of the current climate around clown sightings in communities and as such are being thoughtful in respect to Ronald McDonald’s participation in community events for the time being,” spokeswoman Terri Hickey said in a statement to NBC.

Aw. Ronald was one the good ones. Still scary but charitable, at least?

The reaction to his absence was mixed, with some Twitter users writing messages of protest like “LEAVE RONALD ALONE,” and others listing him as one of the top scariest clowns of all time next to Crazy Joe Davola from Seinfeld and Pennywise from Stephen King’s It.

My suspicion is that Ronald’s leave of absence has nothing to do with not frightening the public and everything to do with his own safety.

“Due to recent events, Ronald will not be making public appearances because McDonald’s is afraid he’s going to get shanked to a bloody pulp and we don’t want to deal with the lawsuits because, let’s be real, the scalding hot coffee thing was enough AND we just spent a few million trying to make our chicken nuggets taste less like fried cardboard,” just didn’t sound as PC as “We’re being mindful of the current climate.”

Clown lives don’t matter unless you’re threatening childhood nostalgia, which is exactly what Ronald McDonald is. He also represents delicious food. So STOP! We don’t need our country to be any more divided than it is.

Not all cops are trigger-happy, power-crazed maniacs. Not all black citizens are criminals. Not all Republicans are pigheaded chauvinists and not all clowns are deranged!! Some of them just want to entertain children and feed us french fries and apple pies in tiny boxes.

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