This Terrifying Penis Will Make You Appreciate Your Own


I stumbled across something very eye-opening today: indisputable proof that size doesn’t matter.

Remember Jonah Falcon, the guy with such a large penis he’s constantly getting pulled aside by TSA because they think he’s smuggling bombs in his sweatpants? Forget about him and meet 54-year-old Roberto Esquivel Cabrera, whose penis is an 18.9-inch nightmare.

Roberto can’t have a normal life. He appears to live in filth. He’s so obsessed with his penis he might as well be married to it. He holds a world record that’s too weird for The Guinness Book Of World Records to acknowledge (and they acknowledge some pretty weird sh*t). Roberto looks like a homeless, Mexican Gabriel Byrne.


That Gabriel Byrne thing is beside the point, I know, but pay attention…

  • Roberto constantly gets urinary tract infections and wraps his penis like a bloated mummy because of chafing. This is achieved by “bandages” that may or may not be old gym socks from the segunda.
  • He holds the bandages up with a garter belt made of bungie cords.
  • He can’t have sex or children (besides through artificial insemination or ejaculating on a vagina)
  • He cannot sleep on his stomach and has to put his penis on its own pillow.
  • If he could have sex, he would never be able to wear protection because the demand for whale condoms is just too low.
  • He can’t run because he’s dragging around too much extra weight.
  • He can’t do most jobs because the uniforms don’t fit him and he can’t bend down without hitting his penis on things. Because of this, the government has officially deemed him disabled.
There are so many men in the world who feel bad about their small or average penises but at least their junk doesn’t look like it could be cast as a monster in an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

Roberto Cabrera is convinced that he will one day move to America and find a woman who is the “right size” for him, which is highly unlikely for multiple reasons:

1. We probably aren’t harboring a woman with a 19-inch cervix. 

2. Cabrera is not currently allowed in our country because he was convicted of a sex crime in Seattle where he exposed himself to two teenage girls who he claimed “look older than him.”

There you have it. A felon with the colossal penis who is colossally miserable.

Medical experts have suggested a reduction but he refuses because he likes the attention and wants to star in adult movies.

“I would like to be a porn star and I think I would make a lot of money,” he told Barcroft TV. “The people are not like over here, they are more liberal: they don’t care about what I have in my pants.”

Let that sink in. In spite of all the chafing, UTIs, his bungie cord garter belt, the no sex, no kids thing and just generally being lonely, he’d rather dream of destroying vaginas than have a normal life. According to Barcroft’s investigative report, Cabrera’s actual penis is about 6 or 7 inches long and the rest is just inflamed foreskin. Imagine taking a slice of New York pizza out of the oven and pointing it downwards until the cheese starts to drip off the dough. Same basic concept.


What the CT scan showed was a very large foreskin. It goes until just about above the knee. The penis itself, it’s just about 16 to 18 centimeters from the pubis so it doesn’t go all the way through the foreskin but the rest of the tissue found there, it’s foreskin and blood vessels some inflammation.

In a way, this is a love letter to all the small and average penises of the world.

*NSFW photo ahead*


“The motion of the ocean” is real.

We as a gender would prefer a normal penis to one that will make our vaginas look like we gave birth to two babies at once. Personality can go a long way. And so can hygiene. And just generally not sending pictures of it (unless the timing is right) no matter how proud you are.

Size only matters if you’re so small you can’t fit inside a woman or so big that being inside one could result in a trip to the ER.

Believe it. Even if Roberto Cabrera looked like Jason Momoa you couldn’t pay me a million dollars to go near that thing. Maybe I’d wrap it around my neck for warmth but as far as orifices go, I’d be wearing an adamantium chastity belt and one of those Hannibal prison mouth-protector masks.

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